Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
You Might Also Like
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.