Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
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You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.