Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
So true for me
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up