[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
liiiiiiiiike
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.