Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.