Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
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I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
where do you see yourself in five years?
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes