Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
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I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Beware of fowl play.
you’re so productive for your wage
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Happy thanksgiving
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]