My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.