She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
You Might Also Like
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
the last thing a carrot sees
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Wednesday
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Hard not to take this personally
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’