me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
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[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I hate everything
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.