Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
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my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Nothing to do, you say?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .