My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
The symmetry is uncanny.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*