I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
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Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.