Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My circle of trust is a meatball
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.