My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
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[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!