*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
A wise man once said nothing.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.