Wish all of my viruses were this polite
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
🙄😏😂🤣
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.