Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
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So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.