Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
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Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa