Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents