Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout