My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
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My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please