I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
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[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.