everyone’s a critic
You Might Also Like
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person