My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
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Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
superman landing like a plane on his belly
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My whole life was a lie.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*