“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
This is not me but this is me
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.