Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
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*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing