Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
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Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Peace was never an option
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”