My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn