My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
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*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
just gave your address to some spiders
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry