Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
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News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.