It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
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*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??