Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
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Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*