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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Saw online –
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political