remember
only for emergencies
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If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
first you must answer his riddles
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it