I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
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Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there