My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
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my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Y’all know who you are.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave