It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
If you love someone, let them sleep.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere