before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
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Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday