this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
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I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Poetry is my passion
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.