I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before