Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
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[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.