he’s sick of your bullshit today
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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
“Sheer Arrogance”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
My blood type is coffee.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.