Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
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I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.