What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!