What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
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A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Siri: Retweet me.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
yea so i messed up lol
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.