[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
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There are no pants in heaven.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where