niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
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8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.