I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
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2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”