At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.